Full Circle

One week ago, at this exact time, I was watching my mother in the hospital having a heart attack and being wheeled away to surgery. I remember stroking her forehead and holding her hand as they pulled her through the surgery doors. I didn't say anything to her. I just smiled at her and she just looked at me and nodded her head.

That morning is still a blur. I remember thinking I should go to the gym and get in a workout, I had nothing else going on. I remember going upstairs to change my clothes to go. And then when I looked at my bed, I decided to snuggle in and do my bible study instead. The phone rang a few times and I checked the caller ID and ignored all the calls. The fourth time the phone rang I was getting annoyed because it was getting hard to stay focused. I saw it was my mom, hesitated, put the phone down, and then picked it back up and answered...the only call I took that morning.

Hearing her whimper on the other end as she explained she didn't feel well and needed help got me out of bed faster than anything in recent history. I was out the door before we even hung up. When I got to her house she was waiting for me in the chair closest to the door. I remember looking at her face and being struck by the color. It looked grey. And now when I think back, maybe it was more blue...or a combination of both? She immediately started panicking and crying and said the Dr.'s office told her to go right to the hospital. So we did. It never even crossed my mind that maybe I should call an ambulance instead...not until I was half way there. I had no idea what was happening...maybe a heart attack...maybe not. I tried to keep her calm and just listened to her talk and absorbed every piece of information she gave me so I knew what to tell them in case she passed out or something.

Seven minutes later I told her to stay put as I ran into the emergency room and made someone come out and get her with a wheel chair. The last thing I wanted was for her to walk into the ER herself and be sent through triage instead of getting immediate attention. Turns out that was a good thing. They immediately took her back, hooked her up to the monitors, and it was chaos from there. I was watching their eyes and how they all looked at each other silently. I knew that wasn't good. And I watched them scurry all around her, it seemed like everyone working in the ER that day immediately became involved. Nurses were crashing into each other, Dr's were asking her all the same questions over and over, until finally, one of them said "It's not good news...you are having a little bit of a heart attack..." Turns out, it wasn't that little. Her coronary artery was 100% blocked. They almost had to shock her heart during surgery and she almost died. She's incredibly lucky to be alive...they stopped it in it's tracks.

Only 2 hours after my mother called me, she was out of surgery. She was awake and saying she felt great. Her face was flushed and pink...the best it has looked in years. It was like nothing ever happened. My dad was cracking jokes with the nurses as I was just trying to absorb what had just happened. It was all very surreal.

It never even dawned on me that I would have so much responsibility plopped in my lap that morning. My entire life came to a screeching halt. It wasn't an option to leave her alone, even for a second. I didn't even want to go to the bathroom. I told my husband that I was staying with her...someone needs to be there. And that was that, he was on his own. I knew he could handle it though, he's amazing. I knew my dad would get too antsy and have a hard time. It would be better for him to be able to come and go as he needed. So I stayed with her and took care of her.

It didn't really hit me how weird it was until I started feeding her bites of jello later that evening. She couldn't bend her arms because of the IV's. And I thought to myself...it all comes full circle...life. And then there were simple things like helping her go the bathroom, helping her sit up, bathing her and washing her hair so she would look good for her visitors! I never thought about what that would be like. She tested my patience...but I never lost it, thankfully. It's a hard line to walk on. She's my mother. And despite any falling outs or arguments we have had, I still needed to respect her. But at the same time, I was responsible for her and her care, like she was a child. It was hard to process.

Only 52 hours after she arrived, we were able to go home. I loaded her up into my dad's car and walked away shaking my head, still trying to get a grasp of what happened. Everything happened SO fast. The heart attack, the surgery, and the recovery. It was hard to let go of the "control" and turn her over to my dad. But I knew they needed to figure it all out together and I had my own family I needed to get back home to.

My mom is doing great. She's been home for 5 days. She has driven herself to the bank already and to the doctor's office for follow up appointments. It's strange to think of how close she was to death only one week ago. My hope for her is that she realizes the magnitude of what happened. When she was in the hospital, all she was focused on was getting out, not getting better. Now I want her to get better. Not only physically, but mentally and emotionally. Her recovery has been "easy" so far. I want her to slow down and take life in...because she almost missed it.

If you ask her, I'm not sure she would think of these recent events as a blessing...maybe she would...I don't know. But I do. For years I have been struggling to connect with her. Those 52 hours in the hospital allowed me to do that. She had no choice but to listen to me and allow me to be involved in her life. And whether she likes it or not, I am going to stay involved. I am going to ask questions and show care and concern. I know that will be hard for her, because she likes to be private and independent. But God opened this door for me and I am walking in and taking full advantage of the opportunity. I am thankful that she is still here and to have a second chance to be more involved...and I will pray that she is too, and that she will recognize that God had his hand in all of this and will continue to in the future. It's weird how God works sometimes. But it is amazing when He does, and I actually recognize it.

Do I need this?

Earlier this week, my good friend Hip Mom wrote an article about the progression of modern conveniences in women's lives. I thought this was a really good thought provoker and decided to answer her question to her readers right here so as to challenge others with it as well. Here it is...

Is there a modern convenience you can’t live without?

Hmm, well let's see...
When I think about this question and go down the list of things I have and love, I do find myself saying that I could live with out the item if I had to. There are not many things I feel like I need to have. However...

I really can't imagine my life without a washer and dryer. Seriously! How in the world would I ever get ANY laundry done? It would go from once every couple weeks (he he), to once every couple months...yep, definitely "need" that! My family gets annoyed with me enough as it is with the laundry issue.

TV? I prefer to have it off at all times. I love silence. So I know I don't need that.

Vacuum? That would just stink to not have that...I would want one of those, because I am not sure how I would get all the little bits of junk out of my carpet...although I suppose I could just get rid of the carpet and sweep instead!

Car? That is a tricky one. I think I couldn't live without it but I suppose if I didn't have one that could also result in less running around and better planning ahead. Plus, it would facilitate more exercising!

Electricity? I think this is one thing I would not want to lose. Because if I did (and have), I would not be able to do laundry or vacuum. But really, if it were a life or death situation...I can do without. But definitely wouldn't want to!

Hip Mom mentioned she kept wanting to put the bible on her list of things she couldn't live without but decided that because it wasn't a modern convenience it didn't count. I thought about that and decided it did count. There was a time in this world when the bible was still being written. The people of this time could only learn of God's greatness by word of mouth. It was a confusing time for many as they figured all of this out, to put it simply. So the fact that at one point in time the bible did not exist, there were many who were at more of a disadvantage than we are today. We can use it and scour it and follow what it has to teach to us. It is the rule book for life. You can find an answer to ANY question in there! It is indispensable. That being said, I certainly, absolutely, CAN NOT live without my bible. No exceptions!

And besides, if I lost everything in my list above and still had my bible...my life would still be as rich as it is today. Probably even more so if all I had left to do was read it!

How about you? What's on your list?

What did you say??

Have you ever fallen into the bad habit of putting yourself down?? I have. I do it all the time. I have incredibly high expectations of myself. I tend to set unrealistic goals of all sizes because I feel like there is no reason why I can't reach them. And then when I don't, I begin to sing a song that sounds a little like this...

sigh....I am such a loser!
I can't get anything done...
Why am I so incapable of accomplishing anything??
ugghhh...I'm such a failure...
My five year old could've gotten this done better than I did (in fact I paid her a dollar to do it!!)
I hate how this outfit looks on me.
This paint job stinks.
I can never cut the grass in lines as straight as I want them (I know...obsessive compulsive...)

OK, you get the picture. The problem I am realizing in this self discovery journey I have been on lately is this... Whenever I talk to myself it is usually negative in some shape or form. Why do I do that? It doesn't help the situation. It makes me feel worse sometimes. It makes me feel defeated as well. I have discovered that I do this so often and I think I do it and not even realize I am sometimes. This is SO bad!!

One thing we need to realize in our lives is that we were fearlessly and wonderfully made. Every single part of us is incredibly loved by our creator God. Shouldn't that be enough to make us love ourselves? To know that God accepts us any way we are, all the time? That He is there to provide us the encouragement we need when we are struggling and feeling worthless? If I were worthless, I wouldn't be here! There is a plan for me! There is a plan for everyone! It is our job to try to uncover that plan and live our lives accordingly.

"OK, but what if I don't believe in God", you say?? Here is what I am learning and a different way to think about it...

What you think, affects how you act.

Think about that for a minute...what you think, affects how you act. I thought about that for a long time today and discovered that for me, that is so true! Maybe one of the reasons I feel stuck sometimes is because I am telling myself I can't do it and won't move forward. I realized as well, that I am hungry for love. My love...towards me. I don't love myself the way I should. I want to be better about that. I am going to flip the tape over, and make a new version of the song that I sing in my head...

You are beautiful!
You are so smart and clever!
Way to go...you worked so hard!
My hair looks great like this!
I am a good mother!
I am an amazing wife!
I have so much to share with and teach others!
I have great design ideas!
I am perfect the way I am!
I really am funny and interesting!

Just writing that list put a feeling of warmth inside of me because I know I am all of those things. It's when I tell myself I'm not, that my world begins to crumble around me and I feel defeated. Hopefully now, I can hear and sing that new song in my head ALL the time.

What negative mental tapes are spinning around in your head??

Try taping over them.

Long Term Planning

As the new school year approaches and summer begins to wind down, I am finding my schedule filling up fast with odds and ends like well-child check ups, haircuts, remodeling projects, orthodontist appts., tree removal and yard clean-up, and the final family get together's. I have been bummed all summer, so far, that I have not been able to nail down a routine. There has been so much going on that has "kept" me from doing anything on a regular basis. As a result, I am feeling a sense of defeat when it comes to acheiving some of my personal goals. So much so, it has made me angry enough to do something about it!

Last night, I sat down at 11:30pm and planned out the menu for the rest of the week and made a grocery list. Today I went to the grocery store (without kids...hooray!!) and purchased everything I needed to execute on that meal plan. Tonight for dinner I made Super Stuffed Tortillas (recipe below). When planning this meal last night, it didn't particuarly sound like it would knock my socks off. But, I had all the veggies it called for begging to be used up in my fridge, so I put it on the menu. It was SO good! Who would've thought!?! While preparing it I was reminded of how much I love to cook. And while eating it, I was reminded of how satisfying eating healthy really can be. I am feeling incredibly full and content right now....with no desire for that regular ice cream sundae I have gotten into the habit of eating this summer a few times a week....gasp!

It amazes me how following through on something as simple as feeding myself a nourishing meal can actually motivate me to do something else that has a positive benefit somewhere else in my life. My next project that I have decided to tackle this evening is to put together an exercise schedule for the rest of the summer. That way, I will have no more excuses that I ran out of time or that my day was "just too busy". And on the flip side...if it's scheduled on paper...then I can't put anything else in it's place! I am actually looking forward to this project. I think at the same time I will plan a few work days in there to prep for going back full force in the fall. Now if only I can figure out a way to stay on top of laundry...it is just SO boring...and there is always SO much!

Try the recipe below, it really was very good. Stay tuned to see how my long term scheduling works out!

Super Stuffed Tortillas

1-2 cloves of garlic (minced)
1 large onion
1 green pepper
Saute garlic in 2 teaspoons oil for 1 minute. Add onion and pepper and saute until crisp-tender.

2 cups corn
1 small-medium zucchini (sliced)
1 1/2 tablespoons ground cumin
Add and continue to saute until all vegetables are tender but not browned.

2 cups cooked black beans (I used canned)
1 cup chicken or vegetable broth
6 tablespoons salsa
Add and cook until there is no excess moisture. Remove from heat and add salt, pepper, green onions or chives, and fresh cilantro to taste.

corn or flour tortillas
cheddar cheese, feta, or queso blanco (shredded or crumbled)
Preheat a frypan with a bit of oil and place a tortilla in pan. Add cheese in center of tortilla and add 1/4 - 1/2 cup vegetable filling. When the tortilla is crispy, remove, and fold in half. Or place a second tortilla on top, flip, and fry crisp.

Enjoy!!